Randy Knoewman Writes

In my book, Who Do You Help?, one of the characters, Linda, has a best friend, Greta.

Linda has struggled financially and Greta has not. Greta sees Linda as family and has always kept an open door for Linda and her son, Ricky, to move in with Greta and her husband, Harry.

The offer makes Linda uncomfortable because it makes her feel inadequate and she does not want to rely on anyone, but she has lived with Greta before when she needed the financial support.

But now, Linda and her 7-year-old son live far away from Greta, they have more money, and are looking for their next place to move to, with hopes of moving near Greta.

And that’s when her best friend proposes the question again:

Why don’t you move in with me and Harry?

Greta has just bought a house, is expecting a kid in a few months, and is about to move into the house when she throws out this question.

Would you do it? Would you and your first-grader move into your best friend’s house along with her husband and future baby?

I expect many people’s reflex would be: Of course not! That’s just too weird. Too messy.

True, it’s messier than the stereotype nuclear family, but why not?

In the book, both Linda and Greta have no family left in the United States and see each other as family, including Linda’s son. Greta’s husband also enjoys Linda and her son, and they all get along.

Still, I’m sure it feels off to many.

And I get it. You don’t see it happen very often. Intergenerational families, sure. Roommates, of course. But one couple buying a house and then inviting a good friend plus their son to live with them doesn’t fit the script.

In dirtier minds, your mind may drift towards a swinging-type situation, or, in cynical minds, you may think of a parasitical (is that a word?) situation where Linda incepted Greta with the idea to invite her into their home and then take advantage of the more affluent friend.

But I feel we should be more open-minded.

Just because something is different, doesn’t mean it might not work.

If we can follow the premise that a friend can become close enough to become family, then why not treat them as family?

Not that having a sister move in with you and your partner doesn’t have the chance of being messy. It certainly could, but it doesn’t sound as strange. Right?

I’m okay with following such a premise, but I do think somebody—especially somebody with a kid—moving in with their best friend and husband should think hard about the situation.

There are many hurdles to clear.

Both sides have to really like each other and feel like they can live together well.

In line with the above statement, the partner of the best friend must also be very much on board.

The financial imbalance must be something both sides can discuss and come to an agreement about and cannot feel like a pity case, otherwise it will slowly eat away at the relationship.

Can’t be an impulse decision or rushed into.

Lastly, there can’t be any unspoken sexual or romantic tension between the best friend and couple. The easiest situation would be, of course, a heterosexual couple and a gay/lesbian/asexual friend moving in, although this is unlikely most cases.

For Linda, she and her son have already lived with Greta and her husband before, which worked well. Greta’s husband also seems on board with the suggestion. It does not appear impulsive as this has been discussed in the past, and there is no unspoken sexual/romantic tension between the two sides.

It was the financial component that was the stickiest point.

Being the “poor friend” in their relationship has left Linda with baggage. The feeling of being a “charity case”, of Greta always trying to help make Linda’s life easier, and the gap between their two financial lives has gifted Linda a small chip of resentment on Linda’s shoulder.

This chip doesn’t mean they aren’t still best friends. It’s normal to have baggage with the people you have spent years with.

The longer you have interacted with somebody, whether it’s family, friends, or a coworker, you are building a history, and history includes baggage.

What determines whether you can have a healthy relationship is whether you can discuss the baggage.

So, for Linda, does she feel comfortable talking about and sorting out this class difference with Greta in order to reap the benefits of living together with them?

That is the question, and it’s a big one.

Moving in with anybody is difficult and is not a simple proposition, so moving in with a married best friend is a rather tricky proposition, but why can’t there be a situation where it works?

I do think it is easier if one or both sides have no family nearby. If Linda’s sister or mother lived nearby, it might feel more awkward and may have to answer more questions regarding the situation and why she doesn’t live with them, but when there are no other people to muddy the waters, it’s cleaner.

I just think that, given the loneliness epidemic the Surgeon General declared in 2023, we need to be more receptive to different ways of living.

It’s not that everybody needs to be moving in with their married best friend, but we need to seek out community and also take the chances that come our way, and sometimes, that may mean moving in with your married best friend.

Unless that best friend doesn’t take out the trash, then forget everything I ever said.

Anyway, what are y’all’s thoughts? Have you ever been in a similar situation or know somebody who is?

Let us know below in the comments or by email.