Randy Knoewman Writes

Are immigrants ruining the lifeblood of this country? 

Are chocolate sprinkles on vanilla ice cream a step too far?

Is Taco Bell a woke monster spreading the love of tacos around this country? 

If you answered yes to one or more of the questions above, then you may be looking for a solution to the immigrant problem. Am I right? 

Well, let me introduce you to a solution you probably have thought little about, but you should. 

Fighting climate change. 

Okay, okay, I can hear your eyes running away like when Trump hears mention of the Epstein files, but hear me out. 

You are fighting so much to deport those dangerous little kids, landscapers, and Spanish speakers, but that’s a lot of work, right? 

Once they’re here, you have to catch them through your disguises, unmarked cars, and masks. And as we all know, those masks and gear can get pretty hot. Wouldn’t it be easier if they stopped coming, and once all the immigrants are gone, you could rest and watch the Turning Point USA halftime show instead of being bombarded with Spanish?

Well, you need to stop the influx of people in, and trust me, there will always be ways around your magic border walls. 

This is where fighting climate change comes in. 

Climate change is making much of the world uninhabitable, so people—sorry, I meant immigrants—have to leave their countries in search of land they can live on. So they come here (let’s face it, Canada is too cold), and settle into your communities, ruining them one immigrant at a time. 

If your country is too hot or flooded or lacks food, then you will leave and you must go somewhere. 

You have to stop this, and one way to do this is to fight climate change. 

By slowing down climate change, immigrants will have the option of staying in their own country, but if we stay on our current path, they won’t have a choice, and you will have to keep working so hard in those masks of yours. 

In my book, Who Do You Help?, there is a scene where the townspeople are questioning Linda, who is Korean-American, which is why some of them don’t trust her, of how spending money on climate change activism will help their town.

If I only knew what I knew now, I would’ve had Linda say if they wanted to keep their town white, then fighting climate change was just that. 

Because climate refugees will not be coming from the right places. They aren’t coming from Norway, rather from the “shithole” countries and other undesirable brown countries.

To let climate change run rampant would be to let America fall apart and into the hands of these immigrants. 

And if you really care about the family values Charlie Kirk cared about, then you would fight in whatever way you can to protect this great country. 

Which means embracing things you wouldn’t normally embrace. 

Because I get it. Trees, clean air, clean water, electric cars, composting, recycling—these are all things that pansies do. People who can’t handle the tough, rugged world of pollution and smoke that is the American way. Because beauty is being soft. Having nice things means nothing if somebody else doesn’t suffer. 

To be American is to not allow yourself to make life easier for yourself or others because we need to be tough, and if we allow ourselves to dream of creating a more livable society, then we’re gay or a socialist. 

Or, even worse, a gay socialist? 

Don’t worry, fighting climate change won’t make you gay or a socialist. All it will do is help keep your vanilla ice cream clean of chocolate sprinkles and caramel, like any true American would want.

Now, this last part is going to be hard to hear, but I don’t think your boss, Mr. Trump, is committed to the cause. 

He has chosen repeatedly to allow more pollution into the world, which will bring more undesirables into this beautiful, smoggy country of yours. 

I think it’s because he cares more about the flashy things than the cause. Arrests are much more eye-catching than building a new windmill or cleaning up power plants. Hard to go viral on geothermal energy. 

But if you care. If you truly hate immigrants and want to protect America, then you need to go beyond the usual deportation show.

You need to dig deeper and do something others aren’t. 

You need to become a climate activist.

Because this is one area we can both agree on. We both want people to be able to stay in their own countries. 

For you, it’s because you don’t want them here. For me, I want people to stay where they are if they want to and not be forced out because of things they can’t control. 

So, do you really hate immigrants?

If so, please buy a solar panel. 

Because, as the saying goes: 

One small step towards clean energy, one giant leap for an immigrant-free country. 

Mucho gracias.